Homeowner wins & woes

Goodness, I'm a bad little blogger.  Here we go again. I haven't posted since January--nine months ago.  Can a person even call himself a blogger if he only posts a few times a year?  Eh, who cares, right?!  It's not like I'm getting paid to do this--and, for what it's worth, I don't consider myself a real blogger anyway.  Fortunately, despite my abysmally casual commitment to this blogging hobby which borders on abandonment (with parental visits just frequent enough to avoid the tragedy of forgetting altogether), my last post really caused a stir, bringing decent-hearted human specimens from varying walks of life together under the banner of common experience--and all because of a miserable ass who enjoys attacking other people through craigslist.  Who'd have thought?!

Turtles in Central Park, New York City, August 2012.  (Photo by Michael Jehn.)

Over the past nine months, I've received numerous responses from fellow craigslist patrons who have, through no act of malice, misspoken word or knowing crime, incurred the wrath of crenovationsllc@gmail.com (whose real name, mailing address, phone number, and other juicy personal tidbits were provided by individuals who kindly responded to my January post).  I won't provoke or indulge Mr. Dan Hobbins of Gibsonia, Pennsylvania further--since I've already stooped pretty low by now--except to say:

Mr. Hobbins, I'd love to share your fruitful wisdom, your razor-sharp insight, right here on my humble blog. Please, grace us with your staggering intellectual presence, under your own name, in your own earnest and completely uncensored words.  You are welcome any time--but only if you stand behind your true identity. 

(Somehow I don't think he'll show...)

Anyway, enough with the facetiousness and on to some real news. I've called this post 'homeowner wins & woes' because I'd like to share a few of each with the world.  I'll start with a win.  The foyer flooring--a handsome dark manufactured bamboo product with a pitted, antiqued surface texture that complements the existing wood paneling and stair railings beautifully--has been installed, thanks to a lot of hard work by Mr. Matt Crowe. Sure, there were some woes associated with the win.  The bamboo wasn't my first choice for material, but the stuff I really wanted wasn't in stock at Lumber Liquidators and would have taken two months to arrive on order.  The foyer sub-floor was so uneven, the walls so untrue (i.e., not straight and precisely aligned, as opposed to "not really walls" or "walls that are lying") that we didn't get the first piece down until late afternoon on the second day.  Of course, the bamboo is so dense and solid that many of the hand-hammered nails wouldn't go in even after pilot holes had been drilled--and the nail gun simply kept splitting the tongues on the boards.  Frustration...but not defeat.

Fortunately, one new nail gun and two weeks later, the floor was complete: shiny and new (DUM, DUM, DUM--like a virgin...), glassy in its perfection, complemented by new quarter-round shoe moldings, doorway thresholds, and a brand-new $115 cast iron register grate from Signature Hardware to replace the existing one that had been so grievously molested by time and moisture that it might as well have been recovered from the wreck of the Titanic.  A final minor woe regarding the floor: every speck of dust, every tiny scratch, stands out instantly against such a dark patina.  Luckily I'm a cleaning freak.

In addition to the flooring, the foyer walls leading all the way up the stairs to the second floor have been completely repainted in a warm, inviting yellow tone called Caribbean Sunrise (win), although the amount of pre-painting plaster repair necessary was unbelievable (woe) and painting itself, especially above the stairs and the stained glass window--where I teetered precariously on an old chair resting atop a haphazard pile of furring strips and plywood scraps stretched between the second stair landing and the top rung of a ladder (disaster waiting to happen but thankfully avoided)--was a total bitch (woe).  The heinous old mini-fridge-sized air conditioner in the foyer window that I couldn't even use because its plug doesn't fit standard outlets is gone (win) and my metal scrap-collecting neighbor Dave helped me get it out of the window and took it for me so I didn't even have to worry about how to dispose of it (win) and the tacky-as-sin paneling that had been hammered in above the air conditioner is gone (win) and, miraculously, the original double-hung sash window was hiding inside (win) and is in terrific shape!

Furthermore, my mom--who is awesome--found very cheap, very hip curtains for both the entryway window and the living room window that perfectly fit the mid-century modern look that I'm going for (win).  By the end of the year, I should have the rest of the stair treads painted and the two landings professionally carpeted; the second-floor hallway floorboards will finally be painted within the next month; the master bedroom on the second floor will be remodeled by mid-December including drywall and carpeting; and, with any luck, I'll be getting a new front porch in the spring.  (Matthew Johnston, if you're reading this, please let me know whether or not you still want the job; it's been a while since I've heard from you!)

I will end with one last, but lingering, woe: I've been having a lot of trouble getting rid of one of my tenants.  Call him whatever you'd like--Stefan, Sylvester, Simon or Salvatore--since I'm not going to reveal his actual name on the Internet.  The guy's got a lot of serious issues that I had not anticipated and am not professionally equipped to deal with: chronic hoarding, poor hygiene, and a manner of aloof passivity that I didn't even think was possible.  He's so unassertive, so lacking in proactive initiative or self-defense--of ideas, personal needs, or opinions, I mean--, that I've wanted to scream out loud on countless occasions.  I was a fool for having allowed him to move in at all, my judgement blinded by the prospect of quick, easy rent money; for this I accept full responsibility.  Per our original verbal agreement, pursuant to the lease, he was supposed to have been vacated by the end of September; but, as I should have expected, he managed to completely avoid moving out, and naturally he failed to communicate any concerns or unexpected snags to me ahead of time (lack of communication being another one of his issues).  I granted him another full month.  He didn't move out--and then the trashy wet week-long misery delivered by superstorm Sandy created a scenario in which I wouldn't have wanted people trudging into and out of my house repeatedly anyway, tracking leaves and mud everywhere.

So, my tenant has until November 15th, and that's final.  No more excuses, no more bullshit, no more house projects delayed by his frustrating ineptitude.  If he attempts to linger for one more day, he will encounter a front door whose lock has been changed upon return.  On the bright side, at least he's a harmless soul who wouldn't intentionally harm another breathing creature--or, for that matter, likely utter a profane word--if a gun were pressed to his temple.  I wish him joy, prosperity, and fulfillment in all his future endeavors, and openly acknowledge that he is probably a better person than I shall ever hope to become; but I also want him the hell out of my place.  Is that so much to ask for?!

One57 luxury apartment and condominium tower under construction in midtown Manhattan, August 2012. (Photo by Michael Jehn.)  The construction crane visible in the photo was badly damaged by Hurricane Sandy.